Faithfulness In The Wilderness
“You’re going to West Virginia this summer.”
I still remember the Wednesday night student ministry service I was attending as a group leader when God spoke these words over me. We were in the middle of the song Oceans, and it was the part that says spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders (a bit cliche, right?).
But there I was–hands lifted in worship, deep in prayer over where I would be headed that summer after I left my current job in a few weeks.
And God met me right there. In my desperation and my deepest desire to know what my next steps were, God spoke those words to me clear as day. I found out two days later–officially–that I was indeed heading to West Virginia.
A Summer in Wild and Wonderful West Virginia
A few weeks later, my bags were packed, my apartment was emptied, and my belongings were moved into a storage unit for the summer. My two cats went to my parents’ house along with my car. I was officially stepping out in faith and pursuing my very first big ministry opportunity: leading a team of college interns as we facilitated middle and high school mission trips for the entire summer.
I wish I could end this story here. I wish I could say that the summer was full of amazing life-changing ministry on my part and that I lived happily ever after pursuing God wholeheartedly. That wasn’t the case for me. I know firsthand how that summer was a wonderful experience for so many of the students we led, but for me, my head and my heart were somewhere else.
On that trip, I began to pursue a relationship with one of the other staff members. My heart was all in, and it distracted from the work that needed to be done. I began to plan what life would look like once we went back home after the summer. I started applying for ministry jobs and looking forward to a life with this person.
Instead of fully pouring into the students and other staff members, I was distracted. When I was often confronted with my mind being somewhere else, I became defensive and made excuses.
Well, when that summer ended, that relationship abruptly ended with it. My plans for the fall were in shambles. I was jobless, essentially homeless, and very hopeless. All the ways I felt that I had wasted the summer focused on the wrong things began to start pouring out.
Life in the Wilderness
I walked into that fall with my head down–defeated and utterly lost. How could I return home and pick up where I left off after so much had happened? It felt impossible to move forward from a summer I felt I had wasted and with a broken heart. I wish I could say that I remained faithful to God from the get-go, but that wouldn’t be the truth. I doubted His goodness, and I didn’t know if He could be trusted.
But week after week, I encountered God in new ways. Even in the wilderness, I found God in the beauty of sunflowers, a worship song at church, or in the Bible I opened in my despair. He provided an apartment for me, and He was in the books I read for my online classes, the customers I encountered at the coffee shop where I worked, and in the students I led in the student ministry.
“I was ready to see what God was going to do, and I went into that trip entirely open-handed and expectant for God to use me.”
As the students asked deep questions of faith, I realized I was also asking those same questions. I began to do some deep inner work, and God revealed to me the ways I need to grow. He slowly started making His way back into my heart, and I welcomed Him in like an old friend.
That fall, I signed up to help lead a spring break mission trip with the same organization from the summer. As the months went by, I became more excited for the upcoming trip, as it was a way to redeem myself from my summer mishaps, and I felt that I was in a better place spiritually. I was ready to see what God was going to do, and I went into that trip entirely open-handed and expectant for God to use me.
That trip was an amazing experience. I had never felt God so strongly as I did on that trip, and I got to experience God working in the lives of the students. I got to share the Gospel message with several students, and I had the opportunity to pray with a student as she accepted Jesus for the first time. I also had the opportunity to lead worship one of the nights, and although I felt my singing wasn’t the best, I didn’t even care because of how evident God was in that room. I felt so free as I allowed God to work within me.
But best of all? I met my husband on that trip, and it wasn’t until after we left that we realized those feelings were even there. This allowed us both to serve God without reservations while we were on the trip.
Set Free
Once I returned home from that trip, I once again started applying for ministry opportunities. I trusted that God would send me wherever my gifts could be utilized best. I continued my online courses and volunteer positions at my church, and continued to pray for my future.
After several applications, interviews, and rejections, I was offered a position in student ministry one town over from where my now-husband had accepted a job. I packed up my belongings–this time in a U-Haul–and drove cross-country to begin my new life in a new place.
It truly felt new and exciting, this ministry opportunity, a new city, and a newfound faith in God—the God of both the mission field and daily life. God had met me in my questioning and in my desperation. He continued to perform a good and growing work in me, even when I was at my lowest.
So often in life, we think that God only meets us on the mountaintop. While God speaking directly to me during a time of worship was a profound and intimate experience for me, God meeting me time and time again during the wilderness of valleys spoke more deeply to my heart.
God never left me. He provided opportunities for me to trust him and rely on him, and he left it up to me to choose him. Even in moments when I didn’t choose God, his faithfulness remained and his provision continued. He still fought for me in the valley.
But when I did finally choose Him, give up control, and walk faithfully in the wilderness–that was when I was truly set free.
