Finding Hope in the Foundation
An Unfolding Faith
When I started writing again, I didn't know I would end up talking about faith, especially on social media. I believed in God, but I certainly wasn't a Bible teacher. As I started soul-pouring my heart into words, a growing faith became stronger than ever, unfolding before my eyes.
Throughout every prominent chapter in my life, words coming to life on paper became my coping mechanism to express raw emotion, the good and the bad. It was my "go-to" built-in support system to spark creativity. Whatever the reasoning, I had to let it all out, or I didn't feel like myself.
And when I turned 30, a vast bomb exploded, with recurring thoughts, flashbacks, and dreams from my past. Everything was finally boiling to the surface uncontrollably, like I'd woken up for the first time. I thought I had to have all the answers to heal. An impossible mission I thought was necessary.
So, as anger and confusion erupted, I sobbed and felt utterly lost. It dawned on me that I was carrying more loads on my shoulders than I realized – an unspoken hurt.
I spent much of that year in sporadic tears trying to make sense of events and suppressed thoughts, and they kept vomiting up. Perhaps things weren't normal, and things were not okay.
They never were. It was as if I didn't know who was staring back at me in the mirror.
Who was I?
Letting the Healing Begin
Whether watching television, listening to music, or hearing words that affected me in daily life, everything triggered an emotional response. Words gushed out of my soul from my memory bank; it did eventually start healing, but it also hurt a lot. I was unprepared for reliving events cemented in my brain, even if the voices in my head were alive and well daily throughout the years.
Everything would press play again and again. I couldn't help but wonder why.
I left certain situations during those delicate couple of years. Some were stress-related, some were trauma-related, and others were getting my mental and physical health back on track. I put myself first, perhaps for the first time, in order to heal and function optimally.
Since writing had always been a strong part of my foundation, I returned to my roots and started posting again on social media. Later that year, I started my blog on a whim. I didn't know what I was doing or my goal; I knew I needed to create quickly, and I had never felt so fulfilled.
I had several ideas for the first few posts, and not coincidentally, I ended up talking about faith quite a bit, even if it was subtle at the end of each post. The more I started writing in general, the more faith kept spewing out of me. It never failed and always circled back, no matter the topic.
Everything that happened in my life had reason and purpose, something I always knew would have meaning one day. Decades later, not only did I find understanding, but I felt His strong guidance pointing me to my next steps.
It was as if He orchestrated every step to get to this point of hope and reflection.
Walking with Guidance
See, I spent my whole life searching for "my purpose" and for the first time, I felt purposeful—a nudge. What started as writing again solely from a hurt place turned into something so beautiful.
“...who we are at our core often gives us clues to our deepest, God-given desires.”
And it's only beginning to blossom.
These reignited feelings reminded me of when I went to the school library, fantasizing about seeing my books in that same library one day. It wasn't a matter of if; it was when. Sometimes we never know why God planted specific ideas or thoughts, but if it's a continual pattern, that's when we must listen.
Even in the darkest of days, He can still comfort. I hate saying everything happens for a reason, which was my favorite motto for many years. Yes, bad things happen but so do the good.
Perhaps we may never understand why events occur in our lives. But one thing I've realized is that healing is a never-ending journey, much like our faith-filled daily path.
For those feeling lost, who we are at our core often gives us clues to our deepest, God-given desires.
